


Drifter

by hazeltea (madlovescience)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-03-20
Updated: 2010-03-20
Packaged: 2017-10-08 03:57:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/72453
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/madlovescience/pseuds/hazeltea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I did this for lgbtfest, but thought I'd x-post it here, too. Prompt 619 Arnold Judas Rimmer/David Lister, or David Lister/any male. Lister is confused by his reaction to the AU Kochanski's bluff about him being gay in her universe. Why did the idea scare him so much?</p><p>Disclaimer: I don't own Red Dwarf, and I do not profit from this. I just do this to amuse myself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Drifter

No need. Of course there was no need to make a big deal out of it. It had been a stressful day, and that was why he couldn't sleep. He hadn't been in his right mind up there in the ducts, after all. Being cooped up in Starbug for so long was taking its toll on his sanity, and his claustrophobia had stirred up a deep rooted feeling of inadequacy within him. That wasn't the side of himself that he wanted Kris to see. For all the stories she told to him about her hologram Lister's flaws to make him feel better, it never worked. Again and again he would replay the conversation in his head, searching for any tone in her voice that would suggest that she was lying, making up flaws because she pitied him. It was a nice change from the way she usually talked about that Lister, though. He liked to imagine that her Lister had plenty of flaws, maybe even freakish ones that she'd never discovered. Was this how Rimmer used to feel about Ace? He wondered, turning onto his side and jamming the pillow between his neck and shoulder. Did Rimmer's blood boil when he'd praised Ace because he was a petty smeghead, or was he right when he said that anyone would feel this way when confronted with a better version of themselves? He sighed into the darkness. Red Dwarf hadn't been this dark, aside from Holly's monitors, Rimmer gave off a faint glow that he could just barely see in the darkness, like the phosphorescent residue that remained once you'd turned off the television.

It always came back to this, didn't it? Always he'd think about Rimmer, whenever something was amiss. Even this evening, as he'd denied that he could ever be the least bit gay, that annoying hologram haunted his thoughts. As he remembered the lump in his throat and the ache in his chest as he had separated from the embrace of the newly minted Ace for the last time, he doubted himself, if only for a moment. After all, Kris' Lister was made of the same stuff as he was essentially, so it was possible, right? He had been both relieved and annoyed when she finally told him that he wasn't. Relieved, because it meant that the risk of their shared biology making him gay was a moot theory, and annoyed because if he kept thinking things like this, if maybe three million years, give or take a few centuries in deep sleep, had made him want a man, then that was just one more way that he was less of a man in Kris' eyes. Above all, he was confused, and uncomfortable.

Why couldn't he put all of this out of his mind already? He had Kochanski. Granted, it wasn't his Kochanski, and she wasn't half as interested in him as he was in her, or at least the idea of her, but it was something. He could make a project of it if he really wanted to. It could be fun. He'd never had what most people would consider a serious relationship, preferring brief, passionate flings without long term baggage. Lister considered his romantic feelings for his Kris to be the most enduring he'd ever had, even though most of them had developed after her death. Some might say that would indicate some fear of commitment on his part. Lister, ever the romantic, would have violently denied it, until he'd spent a considerable amount of time with her doppelganger. The possibility of living out a life providing for Kochanski as she smiled at him adoringly from her perch on her favorite horse felt impossible and ridiculous now that he knew her well.

If he persisted, she might come around, eventually. Kris couldn't afford to be choosy, after all. Still, he dragged his feet now that the opportunity was at least an option, for any number of reasons. He didn't like to rush things, for one, even though he had to agree when Kryten occasionally fretted that he wasn't as young as he used to be. While he might dream of settling down on Fiji, or on whatever s3 planet that would have him, he always procrastinated. Deep space might be dangerous, boring, cold, and at times low on vindaloo sauce, but it was what he knew best, and best of all, it kept him constantly moving forward towards his vague yet idealistic goals. Lister often wondered if any of Rimmer's goals and dreams were his own, or if they were all what his parents had demanded of him. Nevertheless, he admired the singlemindedness the older man applied to his every aspiration, no matter how unlikely the outcome was or how foolish he'd seem. Not that he would ever tell the smegger that, of course.

Rimmer had never had a serious relationship, either, but the difference between them was that Rimmer hadn't had the fun that Lister had. Rimmer would consider it experience, no doubt, and would approach each date with an appraising eye and cautiously high hopes, calculating their compatibility in some warped equation that could only make sense to someone that neurotic, he supposed. He'd seen it at work before, when Rimmer spoke excitedly of Nirvanah after knowing her for less than a day, and during the time he'd possessed his memories of Lise. Rimmer instinctively knew where he'd gone wrong with her. Rimmer would have been good to her, if their places had been switched and Lise would have given someone like Rimmer the time of day. For all of his cynical views on romance, Rimmer had always wanted to settle down with someone properly. It didn't take long for Lister to work out that he just lacked the social graces to lure someone into a relationship. It was almost sad, he thought, that those insistent hazel eyes had no one to pin in place with a stare of demanding devotion, no one willing to forgive the mountain of flaws. If someone could just reach out a hand and offer a bit of affection, he was certain that Rimmer would repay them in loyalty tenfold.

He couldn't be that hand. He couldn't commit to what Rimmer needed. He couldn't even stand to label himself as bisexual before the accident, for fear of becoming the butt of his friends' jokes. These days, what he feared most was abandoning the foolish dream of a farm on Fiji with the girl with the pinball smile, which was what had kept him going for all of these years. Even as the last man alive, the thought of identifying as gay made him nervous, as nervous as being grounded on that s3 planet with no access to derelicts stocked with curry. If he decided that he was gay, there would have been no turning back, because he knew that eventually his will would have weakened and he would have gone to his hologram, and Rimmer might not have ever let him go. These were the thoughts that flitted through his head as he bit his lip and felt his eyes sting. He had to stop thinking like this. He couldn't be gay, because that would mean that he'd willingly let his best, and perhaps only chance at happiness go; lost to him forever among distant stars and dimensions as he was left drifting through deep space, aimlessly.


End file.
